you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
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Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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