Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
