My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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