Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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