She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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