just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
