I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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