Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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