I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i love accidental penises.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
