I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
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