my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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