that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think your dad took our porno
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
