finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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