I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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