im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
