I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
