Having a random hookup so left but love u
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
