Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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