Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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