is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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