dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
