i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
