yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
