Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
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I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
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How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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