I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
