This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
