I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
