I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
