I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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