she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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