I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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