She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
