wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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