Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
