please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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