Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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