When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I don't deserve a penis
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
