Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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