that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
