my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
