i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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