i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
