you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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