I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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