Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
