i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
