Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I need moral support for this bender
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
