scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
