He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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