If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
