Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness