I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
