Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
well, you know. whores of a feather.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
