I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize